Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 3: Mountains

By Henry
Have you ever seen a mountain before? The answer is simple: Yes you have. It is a piece of land that got shot up out of the ground and snow fell on top of it. But the real question is, “How do I survive in the mountains?” This is what I hope to answer in this mountain survival guide. Inside you will learn about how to live off the steep mountain land, how to dodge an avalanche, and also how to battle the fabled "mountain man".


Part 1 – Bears
Part 2 – Jungles
Part 3 - Mountains
Part 4 – Urban
Part 5 – Island


Hum dee dum dum, I suppose some of you are just walking along one day and you see a mountain range in the distance and think “Boy I bet it would be fun to go over there, just like a trip to Disneyworld.” Well I’m here to tell you that a trip to the mountains is certainly NOT like a trip to Disneyworld, or even Disneyland. It is more like a trip to the county fair: A lot of the activities there might look fun, but they really are dangerous. Also there are a fair number of shifty-looking guys with missing fingers and Grizzly Adams beards sitting around drinking out of jugs in both places too.



Unless are Dr. Doolittle and feel like talking to lions, the only communication you are going to be doing in the mountains is with Mountain Men. These men are not like regular men at all; they are more like a man/sasquatch hybrid. A lot of times people will confuse an over-the-road trucker for a Mountain Man. This mistake can cost you your life. Here is a list of things which will help you differentiate a Trucker from the Common Mountain Man:

	Mountain Man	Trucker
Hair	Long scraggly hair, sometimes in a ponytail or braid	Long greasy hair, sometimes in a ponytail, NEVER in a braid
Clothing	Loose-fitting clothes made from bearskin or dearskin	Loose-fitting clothes made from cotton or polyester
Belt	Rope worn as a belt	Rope worn as belt
Eyes	Cold, beady eyes	Ditto
Headgear	Davey Crockett or muskrat cap	Puffy foam trucker cap
Boots	Fur boots like your grandma wears	The filthiest tennis shoes you have ever seen
Nose	Pockmarked red nose with burst blood vessels from constantly drinking moonshine	Pockmarked red face with burst blood vessels from constantly shouting at passenger vehicles
Bottom Line	Always, always, always look for the thick gristly full face beard: If it isn’t bearded, it isn’t a Mountain Man	If you see someone driving, exiting, or near a large truck, there’s a good chance it’s a Trucker

If you are ever to come across something which even remotely fits the description of a Mountain Man, don’t take any chances, turn and run immediately. The traditional methods for scaring off wildlife (loud noises, throwing items, firing a weapon at them) will have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on a Mountain Man. His jowls are a bear trap, his powerful stench can bring down a building, and his skin might as well be made of stone. His only weakness is his unwillingness to travel more than 600 feet from his still (homemade booze factory). So run as fast and far as you can in a straight line, eventually the mountain man will break off the chase and return home for a well-deserved drink.


It’s really scary for me to even write this portion of the guide; my hands are shaking so much I can barely type. But it is very important that I get up the courage to tell you what you can do in case the worst case scenario comes to pass: A fight with a Mountain Man. First let me say that these tips only apply to a fight with a SINGLE man. If you happen to somehow be facing two Mountain Men there is no hope for you. The best thing you can do is drop to your knees and beg for a quick death.

Video games can provide some very good lessons about a Mountain Man battle. For example, Zangief from the Street Fighter games is a shaved and reformed Mountain Man.


Remember that Zangief's moves mostly involve grabbing you and wrapping his legs around you in some way, and you can expect the M.M. to do in the wild also. It’s not a strange sight to see one of them wobbling towards you while spinning around wildly with his arms outstretched either. Megaman 1 contains a Mountain Man too: Guts Man.

All he does is sit around in a cave all day, and when someone wanders in he tosses giant bounders at them. Anyway here’s another chart with the Mountain Man moves list, and what you should do to counter each.



 

Move	Counter
Throws a boulder at you	Tickle his nose with a feather while he has the boulder above his head to try to get him to sneeze and drop it on himself
Gets you in a bear hug and is squeezing the life out of you	Preemptive: Take your shirt off and oil yourself up before the fight; slip out of his arms
Drinks from jug with XXX printed on it	Throw a rock at the jug and break it, if he finishes drinking he will go into berserk mode
Uproots a large tree and wields it	Awesome!
Dances; causing a shower of leaves to rain from the sky	You might be thinking of Wood Man from Mega Man 2, and anyway those leaves aren’t too hard to dodge
Pounds the ground causing a small earthquake	Jump just before he does it (you will see him winding up)
Runs into the forest; reappears riding a Tyrannosaurus Rex	T-Rexes have small arms, which means they are unable to pleasure themselves. Think about it.

That should be enough information to get you through any mountain survival situation. Remember to have your parents check your candy before you eat it and also shower every day. Goodnight.