Welcome to a special OSTENSIBLY INTERACTIVE edition of Worthless Guides. After writing a number of informational guides about survival in various environments (which can be fond HERE), I decided to try a different way of helping those in need.

So I set up a public chatroom calling it SurvivalChat, and advertised that anyone who had survival questions was welcome to join the channel and chat with me. What follows is a transcript of the first session. (Also, to spice things up, I have placed a number of random images with colorful borders throughout the article.)

Survival Advice Chat Log: 10/12/08

Moderator:
Alright let's begin. Does anyone need assistance?

JayBlade2005:
my car run out of gas and I am in the dersert Help

Moderator:
Wow, that sounds serious. Well can you please tell me which desert you are in? There are a few different types across the globe. Also, could you possibly disable itallics?

JayBlade2005:
can dont know how but yes plese i am in a desert with many stalks and dunes and the clouds rushing overhead. i havent remembered where idue to delirium from what i believe to be

JayBlade2005:
a sandstrom there is a sandstrom all around i cant see or breath. such bearty i have not seen in all my days glorius...

Moderator:
I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about.Can you please just tell me which desert you are in so I can help you out.


CHARLIE:
PLEASE I HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY BANDITS SEND HELP IMM. SIGNED CHARLIE.

Moderator:
Please be patient CHARLIE. I am trying to assist user JayBlade at this time.

CHARLIE:
NO TIME THEY ARE OUTSIDE THE DOOR PLEASE HURRY SIGNED CHARLIE>

Moderator: 
JayBlade2005 are you still there?

JayBlade2005:
yes what do you want im busy

Moderator:
Listen. Can you please at least tell me what continent you are on?


Professor Halbruck Lindstroem: 
Notice! I have just fallen out of a plane over the Baltic Sea. I plummet towards my iminent demise as we speak. I shall now proceed to dictate my last will and testament in this electronic forum so that those who survive me should know of my wishes.


JayBlade2005: 
someone help that profesor!!!

CHARLIE: 
AT THE DOOR AT THE DOOR

Licky:
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! WOO WOO WOOO WOWOWOW

Licky:
Yarr I be a pirate here to hijack this channel yarr shiver my tambers Yarrg

JayBlade2005:
what who are you

Moderator:
Please stop that Licky or you will be kicked.

Licky:
Poop poop gay fart poop poopface pooooooooop


CHARLIE:
NO DONT THEY ARE HERE STOP HELPTHEYAREGREBBINGNOTHTECOMTPUERNSWAIDdafoirhi2p;y89rwh89r398e;'[qfh93hwfhe q  9qcr 9dfaegageg


Professor Halbruck Lindstroem: 
To my lovely wife Darlene I leave my two finely carved pipes and my prism collection (which I believe to be quite valuable). To my sons Jessup and Torvair I leave my subscription to Carver's Weekly and my box terrier, Little Putnam.

Moderator:
Would everyone please just tell me where they are so I can assist them? Professor, this is a wilderness survival channel, please make sure all your comments are survival-related.

JayBlade2005:
hey cant someone please   i am alone here so very along i feeel faint


Moderator:
Jayblade, uploads are not permitted in this channel. Please stay on topic. And I will not ask you to disable itallics again.


Licky1:
SHART SHART GAY FAT SHART GOB

JayBlade2005:
there is that better

Moderator:
This is geting out of hand people: PLEASE STAY ON TOPIC OR THIS CHANNEL WILL BE CLOSED.

Licky1:
I farted in my pants and made poopcame out

JayBlade2005:
then the beach im on the beach sand in the beach of the world hope the tide doesnt come in adn wash my fears to sea im afraid of the sea..jellmmmmm huh I haerd it i heard it

Professor Halbruck Lindstroem:
And finally to my dearest mother Evelyn, a fine and true ox of a woman, the woman whom never left my side through it all, I leave the remainder of my scientific reference library and the golden chalice passed down to me from my great uncle Horace Feecher, who I suppose will outlive me now. I see the ground rushing up, I fear I am not long for this world. Goodbye friends. May we meet again in sweetest ether...